The Plight of the Nerdy Black Girl. No Love for the Geeky African American Women?

I was reading through the blog of one of my online friends and came across a BlogTalk Radio show she posted entitled "Can Geeky Girls Get Male Attention?"  It's about an hour and a half long and I wanted to address some of the things discussed.

First of all, in my own mind "black" and "nerd" or "geek" don't really go together.  When I was in high school, yeah there were a couple black students who were quiet, solitary and/or a little weird when they DID say something (myself included) but I wouldn't have described them as nerds or geeks.  They just were on the outskirts of the black social cliques. 

I think there's a missing term that fits somewhere in the same basket with "nerd," "geek," and "dork" because I've never thought of myself as any of the above.  I was thought of as smart and quiet in school but I've never had any particular interests in computer motherboards, video games, Broadway musicals or anime.

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However, I was/ am a loner and never really found a place among other black people. I laugh at corny things that others may not find remotely funny.  And I am awkward and a social dunce.   So I guess the term should be "awkward"--but I think we need another word that encompasses social ineptness, awkwardness, quirkiness and reclusiveness.  But a better term than awkward...

Maybe that's all semantics, but the only person I can think of as a black geek would be the character William from the old show "Girlfriends."

With all that said, I DO acknowledge that there are black people the nation over who do identify with classic nerdiness or geekiness and for the purposes of discussing this radio episode, I'll lump myself in there, too and speak my perspective.

The main point of the show is that so many intelligent black nerdy girls/women with so much to offer are overlooked by most (black) men when it comes to dating and settling down.

Point 1:  The Dorky Black Woman is Not Flashy

One thing that was brought up throughout the show is that the nerdy black woman is likely not to be wearing a dress or makeup like your celebrities or video girls.  Most men (regardless of the amount effort they put into themselves) will zone in on these type women  and ignore or push women who are not like this to the side.

A male caller said something like "Well if you want to date then you need to make yourself attractive."  At first he did include men, saying that if they wanted women then they needed to hit the gym and bulk up.

In response to this the women said that they have more important things to worry about than powdering their noses to attract a man.

I would also add that maybe women are tossed into the nerdy category because they just aren't into being girly.  One of the callers said that she might wear a unisex t-shirt and jeans to go run errands.  One thing that annoys the heck out of me is when people suggest that a woman who doesn't present herself like other women (wearing makeup, jewelry, dresses) just doesn't care about what she looks like.

Asking someone like me to go out in public with lipstick and foundation on my face would be like asking another woman to leave the house like this:

 Most women would feel absolutely ridiculous like this, which is what your typical geek may feel if she were to walk the streets dressed like a model.  It's just not her thing!  And also, this doesn't mean that she's dressed like a lumberjack.

Also, just because she isn't comfortable dressing like "a woman" on a day-to-day basis doesn't mean that she doesn't know how to or that she would be unwilling to turn up the volume sometimes.  But a man probably would pass up nerd girl before getting to know this.

And I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with women who like to va-voom it up everyday if it makes them feel pretty.  But just realize that blush and eyeliner has the opposite effect with some women and doesn't make them feel good or like themselves.

Another thing.  If you find someone attractive, they're attractive, right?  Does she really have to wear makeup and a fitted blouse for you to see that you like her face?    The one person that last expressed that he thought I was cute said so the first time he saw me when I was wearing absolutely nothing on my face (except glasses) and my drab work garb that totally covers my body.  And like my online friend said, guys look great in suits, but that doesn't mean we wouldn't be able to recognize that he's cute if he's wearing a printed t shirt and slacks.

So, the point is that there are attractive "plain Jane" women everywhere but many get overlooked by men who have tunnel vision and/or are holding out for the girl with all the extra. 

Point #2:  Men Get all Washed Up and THEN Want to Settle Down with the Dork Chick.

In other words, after the man is done chasing the high maintenance women who look a certain way, he finally decides to sit it down and actually get to know the women that he would've passed up before.  I guess the same goes for men who play the field and ignore women they consider the "marrying type" until they are ready to settle down.  

And of course that's not right at all.  No one wants to be the person chosen because the other can't get anyone else anymore.

Point #3:  The Advantages of Dating a Nerdy Woman

At the end of the show the host posed a list of benefits to dating a geek.  I'll condense them into three.

1. Nerds are intelligent, successful and happy with their work (because they are passionate about what they are doing).  This translates to less financial and emotional stress in the home.

2. Geeks appreciate someone special because they aren't used to having the opportunities to date as much as others. Therefore, when they are treated to a good time, they don't take it for granted.  This also may make them less likely to cheat.

3. Nerdy women are more open-minded.  Having been judged their whole lives for their offbeat interests, they know how it feels to be cast aside or isolated by those who don't 'get' them.

I guess these are good things, however the thing that rubs me the wrong way about such a list is this:

You don't like how I look, you don't care about the things I'm interested in, you don't understand my humor but you're overlooking all that because you know that I'll be a faithful partner and that I'll just be happy that someone is paying attention to me?

I know it may sound contradictory to anything else I wrote here, but I don't want to be anyone's pity case.

Anyway, it was an interesting show.  You should take a listen.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/askheartbeat/2012/11/03/can-geeky-girls-get-male-attention